Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage?

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Ever since the internet has become a regular part of the human experience, cyberspace has been implicated as an accomplice in online affairs, real life adultery, and the break-up marriages.

With every new online fad have come the stories of spouses wandering away from their marriage to a new cyber love interest.  Media has spotlighted tales and trends of online affairs starting through chat rooms, MySpace, Second Life, websites and online forums.

Is Facebook, the world’s fastest growing online social network, just another in a long list of cyber threats to your marriage?

Having been active Facebook users for awhile and experiencing the good, the bad, and the ugly of participating in an online social network, we recognize there are potential threats to your relationship.  But the ultimate threat is not the latest technology … it is the choices you make online and offline … in cyberspace and real life.

Being raised during the divorce culture, we’ve witnessed too many marriages break apart due to infidelity.  Spouses that seemed to have a strong and healthy marriage gave in to the ultimate temptation.

Before meeting Kelli, I (Jason) was given the book Hedges: Loving Your Marriage Enough to Protect It, and I read it with great sobriety and humility.  The opening sentence of the first chapter gripped my heart and mind, “sexual immorality hits frighteningly close to home. Without being aware of the need to protect ourselves against it, we are vulnerable.”

At age 11, my home was devastated by sexual immorality when my dad had an affair…eventually breaking our family apart.   Committed not to follow in his footsteps, I devoured the rest of the book and at age 21, established my own set of hedges, setting boundaries in my relationships to protect my future marriage.

When Kelli and I met, fell in love, and made the decision to marry, we also chose to do everything in our power to protect our marriage.  Hedges and Boundaries in Marriage are great books that share practical ways to set up safeguards for your marriage with the other relationships in your life.

Establishing personal boundaries is a part of everyday life with friends, co-workers, clients, and extended family members.  Setting up boundaries around the marriage relationship is a key step to proactively protecting yourself, your spouse, your marriage, your kids, and your reputation.

One of the boundaries we set up as a perimeter around our relationship is that neither of us will be alone with someone of the opposite sex.  Not because we are worried about the other cheating, but to avoid the appearance of impropriety or being caught in a potential he said/she said situation.  We’ve heard too many stories of how an accusation (some true, some false) has tarnished a reputation or ended a career.  Being active Facebookers, we have adopted our real life set of boundaries for our online world with Facebook friends (FB friends).

Five Ways to Diffuse the Cyber Threats to Your Marriage

Set Online Safeguards(1)    Set Safeguards With Your Mate – Discuss with your mate: What FB friends and groups are inbounds or out-of-bounds?  How much information about yourself and family is too much information?  Are either of you uncomfortable with potential FB friends? Are any communication methods off limits?

We keep our correspondences with people of the opposite sex public by posting on their “walls,” or limited to commenting on status updates.  We also keep each other informed of Facebook emails from people, and avoid chatting with people of the opposite sex. Whatever your safeguards, be sure that both you and your spouse are on the same page when it comes to what is or is not acceptable for each other on Facebook.  A little bit of prevention can go a long way in safeguarding your relationship.

Don't Post Negative Things(2)    Don’t Post Negative Things About Your Spouse – A lot of banter, complaining, and sharing occur when people post their status updates. It is common for FB friends to whine about the weather, joke about a frustrating work issue or report on something new in their life.  But it is always uncomfortable when someone complains about their spouse or kids.  While it may not seem like a big deal to the one posting, the majority of the readers don’t have enough context or information to know if something is a simple tease or an exasperated gripe.

Avoid giving too much information about the annoying things your spouse is or is not doing, and be sure not to embarrass them in your status update, or through posting pictures or videos.  Don’t get back at your spouse for something through a public comment.

Typing is not the same as talking … so don’t use the keyboard in an attempt to resolve an issue, talk it through in private!

question20mark(3)    Choose Your Friends Wisely – When first getting started on Facebook, finding FB friends and accepting FB friend requests can be very exciting because you’re reconnecting with people from your past.  Ultimately, it is your decision to accept them into your social network.  They can be family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, associates, long-lost friends or past flames.  Once FB friends are accepted, they see and view everything you post publicly and vice-versa.  One question to ask when requesting or accepting a FB friend is, “would my spouse be comfortable with me being ‘friends’ with this person?”

Listen to your heart, and if you’re still not sure, ask your spouse.

Play It Smart(4)    Play It Smart With Who You Talk About What With – A common pattern arises when reading a variety of news stories on internet affairs.  A spouse starts chatting with someone of the opposite sex about their relationship woes.  Over time, the live chats turn to emails that turn to phone calls that turn to face-to-face meetings that turn to… you get the picture.  And when the adulterous relationship becomes public knowledge, the confiding spouse proclaims, “I never meant for this to happen!”  Learn from other people’s mistakes.  Avoid discussing your relationship difficulties with people of the opposite sex, and be careful of developing too close of a confidant online.

In the book, Not “Just” Friends, infidelity expert Shirley Glass writes that building too close of a relationship with someone online enters the danger zone “because it meets all three criteria that discriminate between a platonic friendship and an emotional affair: emotional intimacy…secrecy…(and) sexual chemistry…sexual contact is not a requirement for betrayal.”

The best way to avoid going down the slippery slope is to avoid climbing the hillside in the first place. (Take a free online quiz to determine if your online friendships are taking you up the slopes.)

Defriend Them(5)    If In Doubt, Defriend Them – Because you can’t judge a person by their profile picture, you may have regrets of becoming FB friends with someone.  Their posts might be offensive or uncomfortable to you.  Or it may be that you have a FB friend who sparks feelings in you and you find yourself looking at their profile often or looking for their next post. You may be chatting with them or online flirting with them.  Or your spouse may be uncomfortable with your being friends with a past love interest.  Defriend the threat! Go to their profile page and in the bottom left column is a link to remove them as a friend (and they don’t get a notice that they are no longer your friend).

Any relationship with someone else that jeopardizes your marriage is not a relationship worth keeping.

It is unfortunate that marriages have been broken apart due to a spouse’s inappropriate activities on Facebook.

If you or your spouse have crossed the line emotionally or physically with someone else, here’s some resources that can help you take steps to repair this serious breach:

While Facebook is becoming one of the most popular gathering places on the internet, it doesn’t have to be a cyber threat to your marriage. Marriages are vulnerable to all kinds of online and real-life threats because the couples have failed to set up proper boundaries of protection and accountability.

And while nothing is completely foolproof, these principles are practical tips to help you protect your most important and cherished relationship.  Ultimately, it is up to you to make good decisions and wise choices and to have open lines of communication with your mate … whether you’re online or not.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky are “The Social Media Couple”  who speak, teach and write on all things technology and relationships. Their hope is to empower couples, parents and families to use common sense and healthy boundaries in this social media age. Jason and Kelli wrote Facebook and Your Marriage (2010), the first book ever written on the topic,  and have written extensively on how couples, parents and families can survive and thrive using technology.  The Krafskys have been married since 1994 and live just outside of Seattle  with their four children. Contact them at the SocialMediaCouple.com website, techlationships.com blog, via email at info@techlationships.com, on Twitter (@techlationships) or through Facebook (Social Media Couple).

Copyright © 2009 K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

 

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About The Social Media Couple

40 Responses to “Is Facebook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage?”

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  1. Jim Steward says:

    Great article Jason! This is very timely and important.

  2. Marc says:

    Thought provoking. Thanks for what you do. :)

  3. Thanks for this. Will use it in mentoring our young marrieds at church.

  4. Demi says:

    I just ran across this article. My husband and I got married right after high school and have been together for about 15 years now. We have just recently joined facebook and this had lead to several fights about ex-girlfriends he now wants to be friends with (even after he said he wouldn’t). Needless to say, this is very hurtful to me, even though it has been so long since he was last intimate with them. At least I know that I am not crazy for feeling so incredibly hurt and betrayed by this. I have not yet decided what to do about it, so I appreciate running across your article.

    • Demi – we encourage you to have your husband read the article (if he hasn’t already) and then talk about setting up “Facebook” boundaries you both can live with (e.g. not friending old flames, private correspondences, etc). Also, be sure that both of you have a chance to share your feelings about this matter (both yours and his).

  5. Ken says:

    I want you to know that I just discovered that my wife has been having an affair with a man she dated just prior to meeting me. We have been married for 18 years. She reconnected with this man through a mutual friend on FaceBook. The mutual friend gave my wife her old boyfriend’s phone number.

    I new my wife was on FaceBook and I thought that she was spending way too much time on it, but I trusted her as this sort of thing has never happened in our marriage.

    What precipitated from the FaceBook reconnection with her old boyfriend were thousands of hours on her cell phone and hundreds of text messages over the next 3 months. This man lived 300 miles from us.

    One month after she reconnected, she flew down to the area where he lived, to see some legitimate family members and then met up with him.

    To be honest, we have had marital difficulties throughout our marriage, which we both have contributed to.

    My prayer is that this marriage can be restored.

  6. BB says:

    What do you think about secretly keeping in touch with an x-spouse when there are no children involved and the X has tried very hard to break us up in the past. Am I being unreasonable in requesting that all contact with this person end?

    • BB – if there are no shared kids with an ex-spouse, then there is no real reason to stay in contact with one’s ex spouse. Trust and security are important in a relationship. Surrounding yourselves with people who act as cheerleaders for your relationship help you get through the good times and bad times. Not sure an ex-spouse can objectively play that role. Let your spouse now how you feel about the situation. Give him/her an opportunity to share their thoughts on the matter. It may be good to bring in a third party (clergy or counselor) to help you navigate through setting up healthy boundaries. MarriageJunkie

  7. Larry says:

    My wife of 13 years (2 kids) joined FB about 5 months ago. I really didn’t have a clue about Facebook, but I did know that you could catch up with old friends. So no big deal. However, I did notice something change significantly with our marriage – every night after the kids were in bed, she would turn on the computer and would be “hooked” on FB until we went to bed. As someone who doesn’t watch much tv, I got bored and started to live online as well, just visiting BS websites. We truly had a modern day marriage – no talking, no conversations – just a couple with two laptops on in the same room. Sad.

    2 months ago, I hear from my brother’s wife. She calls me crying and completely distraught because my brother has been having an affair. It turns out that he met another married woman through Facebook. He’s 40 years old with two kids. I never thought they had the best relationship, but it still made me wonder a little bit.

    So, I sign up for a Facebook account. I do admit that it’s partially cool to “bump” into old friends. I looked up a few old friends from HS and college, and then I started to get a few FB friend requests from some ex’s. Okay…..

    One day she left her computer on with Faceook open in the browser. I know it’s really really bad of me, but I checked out all her emails. Mostly between current friends. However there were a few emails with her ex’s. Nothing too provocative, but there was a lot of “would love to catch up” “let me know when you would like to grab coffee”, “give me a call if you are ever in XXXX”, etc. I’m not sure how I feel about that – I know its probably two people just catching up. But I also know that is how affairs get started. Right? There was one email between her and a friend from high school. She mentioned that she was going to Miami for work and he asked if she wanted to meet up in a different city. Fortunately, she never responded back…..

    I did start feeling incredibly jealous recently. An emotion that I haven’t felt in the 13 years since we’ve been married. I hated when she was on FB and I felt that our marriage was suffering. So I did have a talk with her this past weekend. I told her that I don’t feel that she’s there for me and that we don’t take advantage of the limited time that we have once the kids are asleep. I didn’t mention Facebook at all, but I said that I didn’t like that she was always on the computer. I told her that I needed more than a great mother of my children. I needed a great wife as well.

    She was VERY glad I told her and she said that I was exactly right. She did say that she would also like to spend more quality time together.

    The message has been delivered. We’ll see if she stops or tones down the FB. I’m kind of hoping that she will get bored with it. We will see…..

  8. Shannon says:

    My husband and I recently went to his 20th reunion..the guys encouraged him to get a facebook so they could keep in touch. So my 14 year old help him set it up. He immediately started searching for friends of the opposite sex from childhood thru high school…says that is what he had the most of. He has been emailing them from the inbox not wall posting…at all. and it’s like long paragraphs everynight to a couple of different ones…I know this is new to him. But without making him totally mad I don’t know how to address this. I’ve already told him that I do not email guys…only girls..and post to walls or make comments if it’s opposite sex. we’ve been married 17years and I’m just sick to my stomach…I know it’s jealousy but he did give me his password…and they are promising each other to pick up where they left off and to not lose touch again…it just worries me…How would you think I need to address this????

    Totally at a loss…

  9. Harry says:

    Geeze, sound easier to just not bother joining Facebook in the first place if you have to sneak around and look over your shoulder for the rest of your life.

  10. caughtintheweb says:

    I agree with the need to set boundaries when using internet blogs or web communities like FB. I knew for a while that my wife had a very good friendship with a married man and spent time blogging talking about sports. I am afraid that she cares a lot for this person now and so happens that he is now separated and lives in the same area. Of course, this has caused alarms to start blaring in my head and now I feel like I need to monitor every thing that may be going on to save our marriage and our family. I hope to resolve this soon without too many traumas to our lives. At least I know what I am facing and I am praying to take the right steps to make it through this stressful time.

  11. AWESOME!! I’m going to link this on my facebook. I went off Facebook for 6 months because of this very thing and when I returned I came back with my husband. We have a FB together…Gene-Lelia Jane-Chealey. Jane is my maiden name. It may look goofy, but I tell you what, the protection it offers this couple that have cheated on one another is so worth it! Thank you for your boldness and advice! I saw you all on Dennis Rainey’s FB.
    Blessings,
    Lelia

  12. cindy says:

    I just found out my boyfriend, about 8 months ago was flirting with a 18 year old girl on facebook. He said it was just a game and he thought his x-wife set up the whole game, as he refers to it…Only three conversations…The 18 year old stated she was attracted to him..Yea right, he is a old looking 45 year old. I am so hurt and angry…How do I handle this. He said she just dissappeared…yea right.

  13. pril says:

    Wow, I can’t beleive people don’t know this stuff already, very basic info. Don’t you do stuff like this with EVERYTHING that is “iffy” with your spouse?
    Very sad that people can’t even take ownership for themselves and use facebook as a lame excuse for a divorce or not being able to work it out.

  14. Rose says:

    My husband and I have been married for 36years. One year ago he was contacted by an old friend and neighbor on facebook.They became “friends” and started chatting. At first I was not concerned as she lives in New Zealand and we live in S.Africa. I soon became concerned at the time my husband spent chatting to her, supposedly about “old times”. I picked up photos/cards and messages they sent to each other and approached him kindly saying it was hurting me and felt that he was becoming far too familiar for my liking. She was in a unhappy marriage and enjoyed his flattery and sweet talk. Then the sms’s began followed by a daily phone call. Then the e-mails to and from his work address started. I was devastated. To cut a long story short we separated as a result. He was away from home for 5 months and during this time they became even more acquainted. After 5 months he came home and promised me it was all over and he was home for good. I later discovered that she had flown out to S.Africa and they had spent a three week holiday together. They had also got engaged and planned to get married. Well things went downhill from there and he moved out once again. He has since flown to New Zealand twice to be with her and we are busy with divorce proceedings. My heart is broken and at the moment I hate face book.If boundaries are not put in place and adhered to this will be the result.

  15. cooper says:

    just ditch all of the social networking sites. my fiance and i quit both facebook and myspace because we feel that these sites are bad for relationships. you’ll have more free time with your partner, zero suspicions, zero temptations, and you’ll know who your real friends are when they actually call you on the phone instead of sending you an internet cocktail.

  16. Clarissa says:

    I am writing a paper for my sociology class where we are touching on current events and family issues. I found several articles on facebook, myspace and other social networks that touch on the importance of boundaries but this one helped me the most due to the detailed and the reality of today issues.

    Thanks
    Clarissa

  17. Mike says:

    It’s the same story on my end. My wife joined Facebook and was spending an incredible amount of time reconnecting with old friends and reading and sharing posts.
    Then, she found one of her high school sweethearts from 22 years ago. And yes, they were soon involved in an emotional affair. On May 17, 2010, she informed me that she wanted out of the marriage because she was involved with someone else. I soon discovered who he was and that it started with FB. She moved out and our divorce was final 3 weeks ago today on 10/6.
    She walked away from her husband, her children, and her home for this guy. Only to find that after all of his sweet talking and promises, he was not going to leave his wife and kids as they had originally planned. I also contacted his wife and informed her of their infidelity. I was startled when she said…”He does this sh*t all the time. He’s not going anywhere. It’s just play time for him.
    So, here she is…No husband, children that don’t want to see her, no home with a real white picket fence that I built for her, and no FB boyfriend (yet). She’s lost her good girl reputation not only with my family and friends, but with her own family and friends as well.
    18 years together. 13 years married. It just feels as if it was all for nothing.
    Ya…I hate Facebook and the other social networking sites.

  18. stefan bouchard says:

    Hello I would like to know what people thinks about the fact that my boyfriend took me off his firends list after 1.5 years of relationship. I would like to have a responds just so that perhaps I’m over reacting.

    Thanks

  19. Ceesmom says:

    My husband got reconnected with his ex-wife on fb. I’m on fb but we’re not friends but he had her on his page and said I didn’t ask to be his friend and that’s why he doesn’t have me on. I am so hurt by this and it is hard for me to swallow. There is so much disrespect and I have told him that this hurts me but he refuses to come off. I have already left him and I want nothing to do with his family. She sent my husband a message and he forgot to log off so I sent one to her. His family has befriended her on fb and I have found her number in his phone. He claims because they have kids together they need to stay in touch. His kids are 25 and 27, so that part I don’t understand. I too have an ex spouse, but I don’t have him as my friend on fb because it’s nothing but trouble and I have a minor child!

  20. tigress says:

    My husband and I just had an argument over his choice of facebook friends. We are newly married and I love him so dearly. I had a facebook account before we were married but I did not take it seriously and never looked into it. When he learned about it and how to operate it he was intensely interested and fascinated that you could find old friends, etc. He started collecting friends right away. Seeing how involved he was I revived my FB page and discovered that I could contact people too. We both are now “obsessed” with checking our accounts and the whole ball of wax that comes with the photo albums and ease of contact with everyone. Lately I noticed he has changed his privacy settings and jumps out of his skin sometimes when I walk in the room on him unexpectedly. He clicks the laptop off real qiuck and sits there looking stupid and red in the face. I’m no fool, I know he’s involved with the opposite sex in some capacity. So today I looked at his friends lists and saw photos of women that would fit into the soft porn category. I also found communications he was having with an ex-lover. I confronted him with it and the argument ensued. He said, “Well, what about all the male friends you have???!!!” That’s what and who they are==real friends. I really resent his lame manner of defense and excuses he was trying to give me concerning his behavior, as someone here so aptly put it, “It’s a playground for him” right now. It hurts me to see he thinks I’m stupid, that he’s doing nothing wrong, and that I’m wrong because I have real friends that I love as friends==not lovers or men I am lusting after. I’ve given him the warning and sent him this article via FB. We have to do something about all this or this marriage is not going to last much longer. By the way he is a minister of the gospel!!! Need I say more?

  21. Mark Write says:

    I have had a long standing issue with facebook, my wife and our marriage. At one point last year my wife was spending up to 5 hours per day on it. She was putting salacious photos of herself and would allow anyone to be a “friend.” We had confrontations over sexualized comments from her with others and she stopped. The I confronted someone on there and it blew up. He asked her to have sex to make me jealous. She deleted him but it was my fault for confronting him in the first place (He has two Domestic Violence Arrests-she didn’t know him). She then blocked me from seeing her friends. We are having marital problems. I have many issues that I need to work on. I have asked her to work her account with the suggestions that you have made. She sees it as control. She has turned off her account for now. I do have insecurity problems and control issues that I am working on. I am not perfect. I feel her account exacerbates issues. Any suggestions?

  22. Don Masters says:

    If any of you women are tired of this crap, and hate IPhones and Facebook I would gladly date you and treat you like the princess you are. Women and Men, who pull this crap on FB, and then turn it around to where “you” are the one with the “issues” needs to be divorced immediately.

  23. Master Don says:

    Okay well. maybe my last post was my being upset. Upset that my wife of 10 years has also been on Myspace and FB for a few years. it HAS led to an emotional affair, all lied about and hidden, this was not the woman I married. We have a child, and just bought a house together. None of that mattered. FB chat turned into chronic IPhone texting with 100’s of msgs between them. All for me to be told that she just doesnt think she is in love with me anymore. Well, Right! As long as you have your IPHone you dont need another human being! My child suffers the neglect, I suffer the abandonment. This has killed our marriage, and we are headed for divorce.
    It saddens me deeply that so many have gone thru the same thing.

  24. Black Pearl says:

    Thank you for this article. I never thought I would be a statistic of marriage fighting over fb.But today I am. My husband has become this careless men. befriending exes and having innapropriate and suggestive chats. posting suggestive comments on pictures. i have raised this issue. but he keeps digging the hole deeper. He defriended me. requested I untag myself.he wants privacy to do everything he wants. It seems to me he wants to live as if he was still single on fb even though we are linked as married. his actions on fb i find demeaning not for me alone but himself.
    I have talked about this..but I am tired. we have a child and I cant be wasting my energy arguing over this. I am ready to pull the plug for to me him sticking to this means he truly does not care. I am feeling insulted. we are not even sharing the same bed for the past few days. he is chosing fb over his mariage. so I am about to give him the privacy he wants. this breaks my heart…but we have to pick our battles. it seems I value marriage differently than him. boundairies are not understood!!!!!its killing our marriage and I am becoming harder and colder in my heart over his choices.we have a beautiful child and a promising life ahead of us…but pettyness and flirting online is what he is chosing. how sad.

  25. Confused says:

    I have been married for 14 years to a wonderful, loving, caring man. A year ago he became a Facebook user and has been addicted ever since. I had a FB account as well and enjoyed contacting old friends. When my husband started becoming secretive about his account I became worried. I later found out he was flirting with some women on there. I was devestated. When I confronted him, he said I was
    “over-reacting” and the women were only his friends. I realized later that when he and I were having problems in our marriage he would call his women friends to seek emotional support. I have tried to get him to read helpful books on saving our marriage but he thinks I am just controlling him. When he realized I was monitoring his Facebook page he went as far as to open a different Facebook account so I couldn’t see what he was writing. The thing that I find so frustrating is that I have NEVER been a controlling person. He has lied so much to me that I don’t ever know if I can trust him again. We have two children and that is why I try so hard to keep my marriage from falling apart. Several months ago I told him to leave…that I needed a separation for a while. He flipped out and told me that he would kill himself if I divoriced him. I felt he was manipulating me yet I was concerned so I let him stay. His behavior on Facebook doesn’t change though to this day. I am just not sure what to do. I hate living like my feelings don’t matter.

  26. Julie says:

    Thanks for this article. I’ve been married 29 years and both my husband and I have facebook accounts. Although it has been fun reconnecting with old friends there have been many issues with it as well. We had the agreement that we would know each others password so that if something happened to one of us the other could delete the page and so we could maintain open accounts with each other without hiding anything. We’ve had the issue with an old girlfriend that wanted to “have coffee with him” when she came into town. After I read her message to him and blew up he deleted her as a friend. I kept telling him she was an emotional train wreck but he kept telling me she was just a friend until that happened. Now he has his private chats with another old girlfriend almost every morning and I’m not happy about that either. Of course he tells me there is nothing there and I’m getting upset over nothing. She is a friend to me as well, however, where do you draw the line? I knew that something wasn’t right…now he is friends with someone that neither one of us know apparently she is friends with a mutual friend and my husband has been copying quotes to his facebook wall that she has on hers. I find this a strange thing to do. Almost every quote she has he has copied to his. About a week ago he changed his password. I knew that it wasn’t right for all these things to happen and that’s how I came across your article when I started to research about it. Thanks.

  27. Jenna says:

    In 2007, I divorced my childhood sweetheart. Our marriage was ruined on account of his infidelity… but this was before FB even existed.

    Since my break up, I have had to deal with trust-issues. I was not aware of the extent of the damage caused by my ex-husband’s behavior until I met P, in 2009. It all came as such a surprise, after all these years of pain, to finally experience the joys of a healthy and honest relationship.
    P is not a natural flirt, and he has not disappointed me. We have discussed my need for complete integrity, and he insists on reassuring me that he will never flirt with other girls… But here is the subtlety: he and I both have FB accounts, and whether you like it or not, you’re always bombarded with new pics or links sent via such and such to so and so, and before long you spot someone you used to know, or used to like, or they spot you first, and voilà, a contact is made where in reality it would not have existed without FB. Whether or not you choose to befriend the person, or message them is almost unimportant; a problem exists where before there was none, and without wanting to, you are caught up in the stickiness of having to bruise someone’s feelings and refuse a friendship, or accept a friendship and cause pain to the person you love. And of course nothing is done in the open, face to face.

    P and I do not always agree over what is safe-ground for FB use. I have never caught him flirting online, but fatally my personal experience leaves me worrying. Ironically, I am probably more sought after by former lovers, past crushes, and internet weirdos than he is. But I am very selective out of respect for his feelings, and also just because I know that one things so easily leads to another.

    Yesterday, P commented a link, sent by a former crush of his to a mutual friend. The link appeared on his homepage, and he just thoughtlessly commented it, not checking who posted it to his friend (I read his comment, nothing feisty), but in doing so he caught this woman’s attention, and before long she was asking how he was etc, etc. He told me he was unaware that it was her link, and he would not answer her query, but even I think that is just plain rude.
    No harm done here, but see the awkwardness?

    In spite of my

  28. Sara says:

    My dear co-ladies above. Your marriage has a problem, and FB is only the manifestation of it. remember that we all run into opposite sex people all the time, and if it hadn’t happened on FB, it would have happened anyway with someone local. they were looking for it. i sympathize with all you worry-warts who are locked in bad marriages, giving your kids your all, while your intimacy dies. i suspect that most of you show no sexual interest in your husbands, and they go looking for the release they need elsewhere. they don’t go to bars, so this is only natural. look inwardly, not outwardly, for the answer to your problems. it is YOU. the husband’s #1 problem is sexual dissatisfaction. the person they are communicating with probably showed more interest in them sexually than you. and they miss it. they all fancy themself as sexual athletes, you know. this is very sad, but when i figured it out (or actually, my counselor convinced me of this), it saved my marriage! look up what Mick Jagger’s wife (Jeri Hall? sp?) said about what her mom told her was the key to keeping him. good luck, ladies.

    • kristin says:

      My dear Sara, You have sooooo much to learn. First of all, stop going to counselors and stop paying someone to “convince you that you are your husband’s problems to his sexual dissatisfaction.” Now that is just sadness right there, talk about propagating low self esteem in women. No, thank you. My husband is his own problem, not me. It takes two to make a marriage work but when one is not helping hold up his end by whatever, my job is not to just “bend over and whatever he wants sexually to gratify him”. This is a loving partnership. Our society is forgetting that and is hung up on the sex part and keeping our men sexually gratified. Love, trust, and being faithful comes next. When my partner shares these things with grace that never yields to storms, the sexual intimacy comes naturally and is maintained forever.

  29. FB Marriage Breaker says:

    It is so easy to be “somebody else” over the internet. You can be chalming, loving, caring, Godly and so much more. You then share your secret desires and ” love” for someone who is doing just the same. When you go this route danger lurks. Facebook allows this deception to slowly develope into a “love” relationship with somebody you have possibly never met and never will meet. BUT it destroys marriages and hurts the very ones you love. It is shrouded in secrecy by adopting the “chat” and “privacy” adaptions. Why should anyone want to hide anything if your FB chatter is friendly and open for all to see. Lets do away with the “privacy” and “blocking” features and see who remains on face book.

Trackbacks

  1. [...] boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Spend some time talking about what’s in bounds and out of bounds and as a couple, agree on what boundaries you’ll set as a couple.  A little bit of agreement on [...]

  2. [...] boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Spend some time talking about what’s in bounds and out of bounds and as a couple, agree on what boundaries you’ll set as a couple.  A little bit of agreement on [...]

  3. [...] boundaries to protect yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Spend some time talking about what’s in bounds and out of bounds and as a couple, agree on what boundaries you’ll set as a couple.  A little bit of agreement on [...]

  4. [...] A helpful article at the Marriage Junkie gives 5 ways to protect your marriage if you use social networking. [...]

  5. [...] co-written three blog articles (Our Top Dozen Do’s and Don’ts for Facebooking Couples, Is Facebook a Cyber-Threat to Your Marriage?, and How Facebook Can Improve Your Marriage) that have been widely distributed, written about and [...]

  6. [...] of articles, including “How Facebook Can Improve Your Marriage Relationship“, “Is Facebook a Cyber-Threat to Your Marriage“, and “Our Top Dozen Do’s and Don’ts for Facebooking Couples“.  They [...]

  7. [...] co-written three blog articles (Our Top Dozen Do’s and Don’ts for Facebooking Couples, Is Facebook a Cyber-Threat to Your Marriage?, and How Facebook Can Improve Your Marriage) that have been widely distributed, written about and [...]

  8. [...] Studies are mixed whether Facebook and MySpace are positive or negative in relationships. Some studies say positive. But there is a growing backlash – possibly the most serious accusation being the impact on marriage. [...]



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