What Happens on Facebook … Can Ruin a Marriage

“Facebook doesn’t ruin marriages, people do.”

This is the most popular comment on any online news story about how social networks affect marriages.

We should know. Being the co-authors of Facebook and Your Marriage, we’re quoted and referenced in hundreds of articles and stories about social media and relationships and the “Facebook doesn’t wreck relationships, people using Facebook does” or some equivalent is posted in the comments almost every time.

No duh!  No one is blaming the website itself for marital break ups. No one claims that Mark Zuckerberg is conspiring to wreak relationship havoc on the world.

Having spent the last four years observing and studying the phenomenon of how relationships are impacted by people’s online habits, there’s something different about Facebook.

In a recent Wall Street Journal article, we were quoted on one reason why this is:

“Affairs happen with a lightning speed on Facebook …  In the real world, office romances and out-of-town trysts can take months or even years to develop. On Facebook, they happen in just a few clicks.  The social network is different from most social networks or dating sites in that it both re-connects old flames and allows people to ‘friend’ someone they may only met once in passing. It puts temptation in the path of people who would never in a million years risk having an affair.”

Add to this that people feel bolder behind a screen than in person, people still foolishly believe that “what happens on Facebook, stays on Facebook,” people type and press ‘Send’ faster than common sense can kick in, and people feed off the rush they’re feeling rather than rationally thinking about what they’re doing. This is a recipe for disaster, and it happens at quantum speed on Facebook.

Based on all our work in this field, here are the top eight ways Facebooking spouses wreck their marriage on the popular social network.

1. Traipsing down memory lane with an ex-flame: Finding an old crush, hook-up, or boyfriend/girlfriend on Facebook is really easy. Reaching out to a past love interest and reminiscing about the “good ‘ol times” recalls the feelings for one or both of the people.  The longer the jaunt down memory lane, the better the chances that an emotional or physical affair will occur.

2. Letting Facebook dominate every waking moment of the day: The smart phone allows people to be a few thumb clicks away from Facebook and access their News Feed anyplace, anytime.  This in turn can feed an addictive personality and create a sort of co-dependency with the site.  Unrealistically comparing the new and exciting information people are posting online with the drab and boring life from one’s own real-time existence can create all kinds of problems.

3. Airing dirty laundry via status updates: The “What’s on your mind” question in the Status Update box is there as a suggestion, not a command.  Relationships have good times and bad times. Using Facebook to announce marriage problems, debate marital issues or rant on a spouse is only going to make a conflicted relationship more “complicated”.

4. Over sharing on relationship problems with others through chat: Divulging marriage issues through a private, real time interaction with someone other than your spouse creates intimacy with that person.  Depending on the motives of one or both people in the chat session, things can quickly evolve from sharing about a current, bad marriage to setting a foundation for staring a new relationship.

5. Caring for online citizens in Cityville or virtual animals in Farmville more than real time family and spouse: Playing games on Facebook is wildly popular. The excitement of the online game, the notification of new resources to help advance in the digital game, and the exchange of items for the game can leave real-time families and spouses wanting time and attention.

6. Flirting on public posts, pictures and profiles: Commenting is a part of the Facebook culture. Watching what you post (and how it comes across to others) is part of online etiquette. Ensuring that comments are not inappropriate is a part of personal decency.  Flirting with no one but your spouse is a part of fulfilling the wedding vows.

7. Friending people who directly or indirectly threaten the marriage: The Facebook log in page says “Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life.”  Depending on who the people in your past and current life are, this could be a good thing or a bad thing.  And if they have a negative effect on a marriage, it’s even worse.  These include, but are not limited to: exes, negative influences, flirts, wacky family members, and crude friends.

8. Refusing to talk about what happens on Facebook with spouse: Facebook is no longer a topic for “water cooler” discussions, it is the water cooler.  If it is something everyone is talking about, and where people spend a considerable amount of time each day, why shut your spouse out of this part of your life?  Taking Facebook off the table for discussion indicates that there could be something that someone is hiding.  Stonewalling on Facebook (or any other issue) is fatal for a marriage.

Facebook is a primary means of daily communication and is a part of most people’s daily lives.  Therefore, Facebook  needs to be a regular discussion item for couples.  In addition to friending exes and sharing passwords,  other topics to include in the conversation include personal guard rails, online boundaries for your relationship, and accountability. (If you need help on this, an entire section in Facebook and Your Marriage walks couples through talking through these issues.)  Let the Facebook topic help you connect and share with your spouse.

Whatever it takes, don’t let what happens on Facebook ruin your marriage.


Share what’s on your mind!

Are there other ways to ruin your marriage on Facebook?  What are ways to help people change from ruining their marriage to improving their marriage? What online guard rails have you and your spouse set up to protect your relationship?


Related Articles & Resources

Facebook and Your Marriage

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Copyright © 2012 K. Jason and Kelli Krafsky – Permission granted to use and reproduce with proper source citation.

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45 Responses to “What Happens on Facebook … Can Ruin a Marriage”

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  2. BigDinDC says:

    It happened to me. One crack in my marriage relationship and my wife’s FB connection with an old boyfriend turned into a (at least one) sexual encounter. Especially bad since I told her prior that such connections were good for that reason. Of course, cell phone, texts and email made the connection thrive and the encounter possible.

    Spouses should be honest about and open to sharing with each other all communications, especially via technology these days.

    • Hurt husband says:

      It ruin my life i hate it my wife did it to me after being togethere for 11 years it sucks

    • Anotherone says:

      Yes it happened to me twice as husband married less than 8 years to my wife. While I was not there the way my wife needed me she connected with at least two other men online and continues to guard some of her social profiles today.

  3. Holly says:

    My husband has a habit of trying to hide the fact that he is always finding a friend to look at their sexy pictures. Woman after woman that i suspect he has had crushes on in the past or had some kind of relation with or some sort. I caught him openly flirting with someone and I quote, “If i wasn’t married i would stick it in ya.” kind stuff. How would that make any woman feel about their husband or spouse if they saw this.

    • Talia says:

      Mine did the same thing. except for the sexy messages part. But looking up his sexy friends for a visual pick-me-up, was his m.o. No, honey, no woman would be okay with this. its wrong. Thats why i left that scum. I advise you do too.

    • Shelley says:

      That is so true cause its been happening to me and my spouse

  4. Elizabeth says:

    One more reason why marriages and relationships are a thing of the past. Get used to being lonely… or settling for shallow online stuff… or settle for a shitty marriage that is spotted with cheating via the internet. My ex was all about flirting and (trying) to hide it. He insisted I never even have male FRIENDS, but he would flirt with any woman he could on Facebook.

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    Keep up the great works guys I’ve added you guys to my personal blogroll.

  6. Lenore says:

    Great post.

  7. I couldn’t resist commenting. Exceptionally well written!

  8. aggie says:

    I’m a married woman nd my husband has been on facebook for a while, when I confront him about this nd told him tht I knw tht there ia private box , he denied it. Now this thing is working on me , because when I come from work he will always be on his phone. Now this inpact on our marriage nd is also destroying my feelings for him. Can somebody pls give advise what to do to save this marriage?

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  21. Jeffcoat Wayne says:

    ” No one claims that Mark Zuckerberg is conspiring to wreak relationship havoc on the world.”

    No, he could care less about that. Zuckerberg created Facebook so he build advertising revenue and steal users’ personal information. So what if a few marriages suffer, as long as he has his billions.

  22. Kay says:

    Oh it is very real and I am living proof. My twenty year marriage is over because my husband’s ex girlfriend who is also married decided that she wanted to prove she could still get his attention . It was so transparent. I tried to warn him. But as it progressed he became more and more obsessed. He pursued for 3 years. While my mother was dying, they were having their little secret messages , making plans. He began to really withdraw. He stopped having sex with me. Became cold and emotionally and verbally abusive. She came to town and he took her to dinner and brought her to the airport the next day. There are so many other details, I finally had to contact both her and her husband . My marriage is over. He would not admit anything despite evidence that showed a very strong emotional attachment to her. She is the worst kind of predator. My kids are a mess from all of this , my husband lost his job and went to rehab , twice. I’m not sure what really happened. He either redeveloped feelings, or he had suppressed them. All I know is we probably would not be divorcing had she not stuck her face into our life. She baited him and he took it. He has never really been fully transparent and will not talk about it. I can’t live wondering if it is she he really loves. Her life is unscathed, her family is intact and she still has her girl weekends doing God knows what with God knows who. My marriage is over because Facebook was used as a tool to do something very wrong.

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  28. Invasive Face Patrol says:

    Facebook is a part of most people’s daily lives?

    If true – that is extremely sad.
    I’ve been adamantly opposed to facebook from day 1. I’ve never had an account for many reasons and proud of it.

    I firmly believe that people on facebook have a serious addiction problem and need to seek counseling.

    There’s nothing ‘Social’ about media at all. Take your life back and turn off the computer and live your actual life. Not the so called life you type incessantly about online.

  29. Alex Norris says:

    Some people shouldn’t have a Facebook page. If Facebook is destroying your relationship, delete it n fix your relationship. It’s that simple…


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